Man, Some days, these sensations haunt me.
So many old and new memories. Fuzzy yet familiar things.
Lockboxes, hidden away to this day,
though I catch their scents in my day dreams.
I close my eyes to find, I’m still digging.
A million little holes marking motives I’ve dug into.
This shadow is massive it contains the waters we’ve waded through.
A valley of dry bones and dead things that I once knew.
Resting uneasily beneath the dirt, I’m unearthing.
I can’t stop, won’t stop shoveling. Somehow knowing.
Underneath the mud, there is me… How I am, how I was, how I will be.
Elevate me, please. All this dark shit is overshadowing most of what I see.
How do I see through the mist to the truth?
How do I get past the illusion and into paradise saturating everything?
I know it’s there, I taste it daily, touch it faintly, see it vaguely.
I call for it to come to play with me.
If you leave me I’ll stop breathing.
So you see, as far as I perceive,
I need you as much as you need me.
If I am wrong so be it, teach me, and then,
let’s come into an agreement.
Let me begin by asking, how might I be of service to you?
Why are you so black and blue? What have I done to you?
What do You need me to do to unleash and heal you?
How do I set what I started free before the fire consumes me?
How do we come into agreement, you and me?
Do I need to say I am sorry? Do I need to beg forgiveness of thee?
I am sorry for the bitter moments, I became the enemy.
I am sorry for the desperate moments, I sold you for pennies.
I am sorry for the fickle moments, I told you they were right.
I am sorry for the painful moments, I went numb and dumb and deaf and blind.
I am sorry for the moment I lost my mind and left you alone with our darkest night.
I am sorry for the petty moments, I took us further from the light.
I am sorry for the moments of cowardice, I bowed out of the fight.
I am sorry for the weak moments, I maintained silence…
Causing you to endure the violence waged against me.
I’m sorry for the times I didn’t show up
…leaving words never to be spoken in person.
Broken shards of sentence fragments,
shattered by torrents of tears.
I am sorry for the heavy moments, I pushed the sadness down your throat.
I am sorry for the times, I bought us into the role of a scapegoat…
I am truly sorry for everything I’ve let through to hurt you.
Will you ever forgive me for the ten thousand cuts I’ve paid thee?
Will you ever show me the nature you’ve been hiding?
With all the love I have to give,
Your Cohabiting Conscious
.
