Entry #1
Life is such a beautiful and strange thing. The twists and turns it takes with a bit of conviction are enough to leave the strongest on their knees and directionless.
The last few years have taught me so much. Mostly how capable the human spirit is of recovering from spiritual deaths we imagine we wouldn’t live through.
I miss you every day, but I know you would never have left if you didn’t know something I hadn’t realized yet. Because of this, I see a new challenge. I know you are still here. I know the things you leave along my path, the pennies with your birth year attached. Your favorite birds. Vanity plates with your name on them when I’m in the middle of a rough day where it’s all I can do not to imagine your final moments. Sometimes it’s so hard to fight dark with the light of memories we had together, but every time I do take that extra step when I’ve imagined I’m out of gas.
I feel this overwhelming peace.
I feel you like you never left me here. That’s how I know there’s more to this story.
I have your memories locked inside of me, your entire timeline from the moment mom and dad first came back from the hospital to announce you were on the way to the last time we talked the day you left.
Your smile, your wisdom, your selflessness, your curiosity, your fears, pains, sorrows. All of it. You and your twin are little miracles in my mind. Your heart is a part of me now and I’m starting to see it’s my duty and pleasure moving forward to carry you with me, to bring you to mind when I accomplish the things we talked about so you can do them with me. You encouraged me through some of my darkest years, and you left me with promises and intentions unfulfilled. It’s how I know you never left. I know you are with me even when I can’t seem to reach you.
Little Brother, I can’t wait to bring the beauty this world stuffed from your experience back to life. I have a bucket list because of you. We will mark off every last one before I’m finished with this place.
I love you, Francis. Would you please let John know you are still with him too?