Part One:
They Smell Fear…
Remain calm… you can do this….
“Come on!”
“No”
“You have to come with me…”
“noooope”
“You Promised!”
“No I said I’d come with you… I didn’t say aaaaanything about how far.”
“Don’t be a baby, Amos!”
“uuuum, when it comes to standing in cramped lines for something that’s going to no time at all compared the time I waited on it? Nope… I will be a baby, thanks.”
Amber tugged at her hesitant companion’s arm until finally, rolling his eyes he followed her to the flashing neon sign hovering above the corrals leading to the carnival house of mirrors.
Amber ran ahead and bobbed from heel to toes excitedly while holding their place in line. She bounced on her toes for a moment trying to see to the front of the line.
The energy dwindled as she looked back to see Amos standing outside the barrier.
He was grinning in at her with his hands in his pockets. He’d made his decision.
And he wasn’t following suit.
Her face fell for only a moment but faster than the blue FUN switched to the pink HOUSE her smile was back.
“Fine! I’ll go by myself.” Amber laughed, tossing her sweater at him as she playfully raised a rebellious fist.
“Fine,” he called back with a wave and a laugh.
“Fine! But if I get lost or murdered by some creepy Halloween character because you left me all on my own, in the dark, in a house of mirrors… I’m coming back to haunt you my friend.” She pointed a finger gun his way and launched a shot at Amos. He caught it at his heart and pretended to be injured.
More bodies piled in around the little sparrow until he could barely make out the tiny tattoo on her ankle. It was temporary, and the same outline, shape and colors as the one she’d placed on his cheek from the double tattoo stickers they’d bought from the 50 cent machine inside the grocery store earlier.
He rolled his eyes, reminding himself to scrub it off before football practice the next day.
Amos watched the entrance shoot until Amber had completely disappeared and then limbered off to find a vendor selling elephant ears and the slushies they both liked so much.
They’d only been on two dates since they’d decided they liked each other but he had a secret. He hadn’t told anyone until everyone else started catching on to how cool Amber was, but he’d noticed at kindergarten round-up when she took crayons back from a bigger kid who’d tried to nab them out of her hand.
She hadn’t gone to the teacher, she’d slapped his hand and told him to ask nicely and she’d be happy to share over a glare until he was sure she was serious. He asked, and she offered it nicely with a smile.
Amber didn’t remember doing it, but Amos couldn’t have forgotten if he’d tried.
He shook his head. Still happy she hadn’t seen how nervous he’d felt under the confidence that seemed to show up while he wore his letter jacket. He’d been so anxious over how to ask her to come fishing with him. But she’d made it easy, saying she’d bring her dad’s old sun hat and fishing poles if he’d bring the cheap beer and the worms.
He smiled again, thinking of how well it had gone. How much fun they’d had just listening to music and hanging out on the edge of the dock.
His eyes strayed back toward the snaking Fun House line… Maybe I should go with her. He hesitated just long enough for a couple to step up to the vendor in front of him.
It was too late, she was probably close to the front by now and there was no way people would let him cut in line… that would be super lame…
He looked down at the arm full of stuff he was already holding. Her little backpack, the sweater she’d tossed at him.
Amos fumbled for his wallet, pulling it out of his back pocket in time to step up and order what he’d come for.
Another volley of screams rose up from somewhere in the carnival. They fell away just as fast while he cast the cash back at the man standing in the window above him. He smiled and waved for the vender to keep the change. They exchanging thank yous that were lost in the general noise and festivities.
Amos turned around again to watch the line, sure Amber wouldn’t be anywhere in it he let his eyes stray over the front of the creepy looking entrance.
what a waste of time. He thought. Part of him wishing he’d gone for the simple fact that she was there and he was here, and if he’d gone, line be damned, they would still be laughing and spending time together.
“Here you go sir”
The vendor piped through Amos’ thoughts.
He thanked the man and hurried to toss the sweater into the backpack before slinging it over his shoulder. He accepted the oil-stained triple paper plate full of powder sugar-coated, fried batter, and the cardboard carrier containing their drinks.
Shouts and loud cries seemed to flow in from all sides. The carnival was picking up speed. He looked at his watch, just past nine. He’d promised Amber’s parents he’d have her home by no later than 10:30 and apparently she’d had to finagle to get anything past 10 sharp.
He popped in a small fragment of elephant ear and let it melt in his mouth as he continued down the hill to wait at the exit of the Fun House.
He watched shadows passing through the somewhat see-through tube leading from one room to the next on the second floor. Silhouette after silhouette hopped one after another over its surface, turning the bright red tube to a shadowed maroon until each occupant had moved on only to be replaced by the next volley.
one… two… three…
He started counting figures large and small. He’d reached 15 before looking around for some place to sit and wait more comfortably. A few yards away was an empty picnic table under a lone oak.
That’ll work.
Amos sat and made himself comfortable. Taking the backpack and the sweater off and laying them to the side. The bright neon sign flashed noisily all around him. The words imprinted over his mind as he pictured them lighting up with each shade.
FUN
HOUSE
FUN
HOUSE
FUN HOUSE all at once.
Amos watched happy carnivalers pouring from the exit laughing and squealing happily together. Couples, trios, packs… Still no Amber…
He looked at his watch again, frowning.
9:45 PM…
It would take about fifteen minutes to get her home… He looked at the plate of barely touched Elephant ear. He waved away a fly, deciding to tear off another chunk before placing one of the three plates over the top to protect it.
Another volley of gleeful screams and cries rang out more loudly as the Zipper took off, lighting up the sky as it spun each individual cage around itself.
They should have gone on that one again…
You should have gone with her. He kicked himself checking his watch again.
9:55 PM. He felt a trickle of frustration and glanced anxiously around, trying to figure out if she was messing with him.
Maybe she’d gone through faster than he’d thought and she didn’t see him so she went again, or jumped on another ride.
She had her cellphone… Maybe she ditched out because she thought he had. Called one of her friends or texted to see where they were at.
The idea annoyed him. She would have at least shot him a message…
As if to answer his question the front pocket of her backpack lit up through the dark surroundings covered in cascading neon colors as the ride bulbs flashed endlessly all around him.
Amos hesitated… looking around himself before unzipping the pocket.
Her cell. It was here with him. He looked around frowning. Bodies ran this way and that, none of them Amber. He pulled her phone out at the risk of her coming back to find him with it in hand.
It was Rachel. Amber’s best friend. Two messages one after the other.
How’s the date going? *Kiss face emoji and a winking one.
While he was still holding it the phone lit up again.
Are we still coming to get you at 11?
Amos paused. Then put the phone back in its place. That part was none of his business.
His business was getting Amber back in time to secure a third date. As he tucked the phone away he glanced up the knoll.
He decided to get a closer look at the exit and entrance before making his next move. No Amber.
He let his eyes roll over the bobbing figures, tracing their features to come up empty. No Amber.
An especially loud burst of laughter caught his attention. It was familiar. His heart picked up, relieved for some positive direction. He followed his ears around the back of the fun-house again. Last minute, remembering the backpack and sweater he’d left to set with the lukewarm elephant ear, and melting freezies, he shifted direction to the shadow of the oak tree.
Through the dark the table top looked more bare than before and by the time he’d reached it he could already tell what was missing. All Amber’s things…
The laughter picked up again, reminding Amos of where he was heading. For the first time in his life, he left trash to the wayside, for someone else to pick up. He was on a mission.
He found a pack of squealing teens in a circle around the far side of the Zipper. Sure enough he’d been right. It was exactly who he’d thought.
“Rachel! Have you seen Amber?” Amos called, he even waved as he jogged up to meet them.
Instead of their normal response, they all looked at him like he was covered in three day old, sun-dried milk.
“Amber?” He stated again, waving a hand in front of her face. “Have you seen her tonight? We were here together, she went into the mirror house… and”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I have to interrupt here…” The stream vanished… I fell out of the scene like a rock through a cloud. I watched it fading fast as lighting leaving the impression of our final moments together heavy on my lids. I forced them open. Blinking into the silence waiting for my submission.
“Go ahead?” I prompted. Annoyed. The vision was so clear this time… I was really getting somewhere…
The man in white pushed his round glasses up the bridge of his nose. “So, I have to ask, is Amos…” He tapped his watch, suggesting time was running out I assume, and then glanced at the chart in his hand, as if verifying something… super see through gestures, every one of them…
“my time is more important than your time… my questions are more important than your questions…” The thought mocked while I waited for him to continue.
“This is progress, this is progress… you know, you’ve never brought up those specific details before in this case… so I have to ask this.” He pushed up the glasses again. “Is Amos aware at this point that he’s… unstable?” He looked down at his notes again before continuing.
I frowned and sat up on the corner-less chair I was currently slouched in.
“What do you mean does he realize he’s unstable?” I spat back. “What about any of what I just laid out screams he’s unstable to you?”
“Miss Clayton’s parents, and friends… and the community of Millbanks as a whole according to the court statements?” He read them off the page, swiping them out at me like a weapon.
“It’s the night Amber disappeared…” I stated. It was true, and at this point the only thing I knew for sure.
Viper… don’t tell him anything else… he isn’t going to help you.
The inkling crept in one ear and nestled. I shut my lips.
“Sorry for interrupting I just wanted to make sure we were on the right track.” He rotated his hand in a circle toward me. “So then, Go on, please… We still have ten minutes Ben, do you mind if I call you that? Or do we want to stick with Amos.”
“I don’t care what you call me doc. I just want to figure this out so I can get back to my life.”
“Mmmm… Mmmm.” He tapped his pen on his chin before jotting a note.
“So start where you left off… what happens after Amos accosts Ambers old friends? Did you mention the idea that he’d, Amos, had been away for a year at an all-boys school? Hadn’t seen or talked to any of them… then suddenly shows up wearing their school jacket and bringing up a name most of them had just finished counseling over?”
“No, I didn’t happen to mention any of that because it’s not how it happened.” I clenched my fists.
“Okay, so tell me your version Benjamin. The more I know the better I can help you get over this repetitive behavior… It’s like a storm, it doesn’t happen all the time. it brudes and brudes and brudes and then it pours, dumps, pounds, and unleashes a sometimes lethal force all at once…” He nodded at his own statement.
“So, if we can unleash little bursts, like right now, when you are talking to me, and we can work through these details like we are, that’s how we prevent build ups Benjamin. You know you are susceptible to these things and so by coming here you’ve proven that that training worked. You know when you are… feeling, out of control so to speak.” He nodded at me as if hoping I’d nod along. I didn’t, but I was listening.
“So tell me… what happened after you approached her friends…”
“So that’s it, the end… that’s all I can bring up without getting these… horrible headaches.”
I could have sworn a smile flashed through his eyes but it was gone in a blink.
My anger rose up at his smugness. “So that’s where everything goes black and when I lose it… it’s like I can’t get the picture back… so, any interruption… it’s like waking up from a dream doc, so that’s all you get I guess.”
Doc looked down at his watch with a heavy thinly veiled sigh.
“So Ben, do you want to talk about something different. Maybe about what brought you back this time, after so long, you were away from us for quite some time.”
I thought about it for a minute… I hadn’t known where else to turn. This place had served as home for so long. It was like second nature to come back when things started feeling… strange again… When… SHE showed up again…
“No, I’m good Doc, thanks.” I mumbled, heeding the gut instinct to keep my mouth quiet and get out again as soon as possible. I should have known this is what I would find…
“It says here… The nurse wrote that you quote ‘Had seen her again, she’d seen you see her and she looked like she’d been the one to see a ghost.’ ” He looked up from the chart again.
I smiled through the building dislike… he was just doing what he was trained to do… right?
A tickle of justice told me that wasn’t the case but it wasn’t my business. Not yet… Right now, I needed to get myself out of this mess, and I had to think quick.
“I’ve been over worked lately, I took the night shifts and final exams are coming up… I think I’ve just been stressed. I needed to kind of… reset you know?”
“Who is she? Why were you repeating that sentence again and again?” The doctors expression was more firm…
“Benjamin, you realize why we can’t do this again right?” My ears perked… again? This was the first time this had happened… Amber had only gone missing once. It was everyone else who’d acted strangely.
… like they were hiding something.
I squeezed my eyes closed trying to see past that moment at the base of the neon lights of the zipper… with her friends staring at me like they’d seen a ghost and gotten a wiff of something gross all at once.
A migraine migrated from right behind my eyes to blaze at the front of my skull. It felt like my eyes were on fire and then all at once, a picture of her father began to rise. He’d barely opened the door to see me when I’d come knocking. That was it. I’d gone to tell him I was sorry. That if I’d done anything to upset her I wanted to apologize in person.
He’d stared at me, blankly. In my memory, his eyes are blazing red. like, he was under intense pressure, or he’d been crying. Something shifted in his face while I watched the moment playing.
I’d gone on to say I wanted to make sure she’d made it home safe and sound.
“Go home kid…” I could faintly hear the echo of the last thing he’d said before shutting the door in my face.
I’d been confused. *groan* A flash of pain pulsed through my mind. These migranes. Are exhausting…
I inched an eye open. Through the blurry wince, I’d seen Dr. Wisenheimer tapping his pen on the pad, still focused on his notes.
I’d felt so bad… all the way home in my stupid little teenage brain, I tried to figure out what had gone wrong… I came back to the same conclusion each time. There is no way… Amber Clayton was mad at me for not going on a stupid ride.… and then disappeared. Forever.
From there everything is a blur. I’d gone from the top of my class, Allstar athlete to less than nothing… the one the witch hunt was turned against… I’d seen it happen so many times. I’d always felt a secret sense of relief that it wasn’t me. and then, as fast as lightening… I was.
My parents had been convinced by their marriage counselling pastor that my acting out recently had created a ripple that was tearing their bonds and thus, the fabric of the community and those close to them…
They explained it just like that, blew my mind the day before I hopped on the plane… sent me away, to the same military school that had shaped my dad. I learned a lot that day. A lot about life. A lot about death. I watched my idea of ‘family’ dying as the plane took off leaving them at the gate, ready to glue themselves back together without me.
The doc licked the tip of his pen before continuing, waiting for me to respond without wasting his time in the mean time.
Family… The word leaked in like the squeal of a violin string. Another term, yet to be properly defined.
I smiled bitterly through the moving blur of white coat and gray hair.
I emancipated myself and took up construction in the summers and college in the offseason for a reason.
I hadn’t stepped foot in that town since.
I didn’t know they’d felt that strongly against me too. For some reason, it stung. My cheeks burnt a little at the idea of making a fool of myself in public. That being a legacy didn’t seem like something I’d bring a future wife or business partner home to… doesn’t really scream… pick me.
The thought made me smile so it did the trick. A little more gas in the tank thanks to good humor.
I rolled my eyes. Making a decision, You came here because it’s the closest thing to home that you have right now… I pinned the doc and watched him sifting through my rap sheet. My smile widened. I imagined him the embodiment of the Sherriff of Nottingham… collecting another repeat customer with no other option.
I just did his job for him. My face went wily, but I scrubbed it. The doc wasn’t paying attention.
His story isn’t my story… I chewed on the inkling… It isn’t how I see it. It would be easy to see things his way… If you hadn’t lived in the character’s shoes.
I saw the thought wrapping up. It finished with a decision that their narrative wouldn’t find my answers for me…. they’d rather cover them up, snow them in ruthless meds so I have no choice but to see things their way.
Let him win without pressure… control yourself… save it for the field… don’t escalate this. Say what he want’s to hear…
It was as simple as that. I just had to get myself out of the mess I’d gotten into. I could figure things out from there. Part of me felt the need to protect my honor from these vultures…
Comply… if their opinions don’t matter… prove it.
I grimaced, accepting the challenge. With that final ye, I felt a sudden weight lift.
I don’t care what they say… or think… or label me with. They are a fly to swat later.
For now… There’s work to do…
A top secret mission to accomplish.
One that requires me to keep my mouth shut… A rush of gratitude toward past experiences bubbled up. Strange ones… memories that had haunted me now felt more like a road map. strange…
The places I’ve been trained me well in keeping quiet, maintaining military bearing.
I can do this…
I bit my lip and nodded my head. The doc looked up and hesitated to analyze my compliance.
I pictured an internal white flag waving.
“I get it…” Dr. Wisenheimer folded his hands under his chin. Listening to my confession. “I understand my behavior has caused problems for people in the past. I truly regret that and don’t want to affect anyone like that again.”
I looked at the ground, fighting the urge to roar liar in his imperious face.
“Mmmm.” He repeated, thoughtfully. “So are you still sure that you saw… Her…”
Anytime I open my mouth over what I’ve been through, I’m labeled insane and tossed back into the crazy train for reprogramming…
Not today… I was taking my time back.
“No, I think I was just over-working myself, I think the stress got to me and some girl with similar features triggered the memory. I’m sure you’re right Doc.”
“And do you remember discussing the situation surrounding the event with me? Or are you still having memory lapses?” He raised an eyebrow.
Enough of my story had been decided for me by other people. I had started a new life. I was sticking to that storyline and it required me to be back to campus in time to finish my exams… And hopefully study for them.
When I didn’t answer right away he continued pounding in the nail.
“Based on the little story you told, Was Amos you? and your date, a reference to Amber Clayton, died at age 16 in a horrible car accident involving four other females.”
I nodded compliantly. “I guess I just missed her… I must have snapped under the pressure of losing her,”
The doctor leaned forward. “Is that why you came to the Clayton’s home in the middle of the night on the anniversary of their daughters death. Is that why you told them you’d lost her at the carnival and claimed to want to help her?”
Everything screamed against my next answer. “Must be. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me.”
“Well, you are a bright kid. You said you are studying?”
I nodded. “Good, stay in school… and stay on your medications, getting away from them can be dangerous, requires a medical professionals help.”
“I haven’t taken meds in years doc.” I stated plainly. “doesn’t your magic book tell you that too… I haven’t been back here since graduation.” A bitter smile bubbled to the surface to be released between us.
My most remorseful face followed. Didn’t take much, since I felt pretty miserable. He eyed me.
“Okay, Benjamin, I’ll tell you what I’ll do.” Since this was partially voluntary I am going to release you under the condition that you take the medication I am going to prescribe for you.. I should have been more specific..” He mumbled the last part under his breath while he scribbled over his prescription pad.
“I am going to give you one for sleeping. Sounds like you need more sleep. And one that acts a lot like a mood stabilizer. Can we make that agreement.”
Dr. Wisenheimer looked up to meet my steal stare as he tore the first piece of paper away and reached it out to me. “Say yes and I’ll make the arrangements for your immediate release but we will have a follow up to review your progress in, let’s say, two to three weeks?”
I slowly reached out and took the paper. Feeling the heavy weight of the judgement of condemnation passed along with it.
When I looked again, all I could see was the devil, smiling back at me, teeth gleaming hungrily… waiting impatiently for me to accept Death’s warrant.
I don’t care what you think of me. The thought crossed my mind as I carried it to my lap.
I crossed my hands over the top of the prescription paper before I resigned my answered. “I think I can manage that. More sleep would be nice.” I mumbled.
“Good!” The doctors teeth shone. “Good, good, good, my how quickly you’ve matured Ben. I am so impressed with your ability to grasp reality.”
I didn’t like how he’d said that last part… but I bit my tongue, nodding all the while.
“I am glad we extended our session. I think we had some breakthroughs!” He beamed… the first almost real emotion as he packed up his papers and replaced his pen in the front pocket of his Doctor’s coat.
“I will have the nurse at the front set up an appointment with you for three weeks from now. Until then, you take those.” He tapped the prescription paper he’d given me as he passed.
“I’m trusting you to do the mature and right thing Ben. Don’t make me look bad, okay? We don’t want to make this mistake again, alright?”
He patted my shoulder firmly. I did my best not to snarl… He was right though… about one thing anyway
Coming here was a mistake I had no intention of making again…
I had to find Amber… I had to figure out where she’d been…
To be continued…